greasy taint

My favorites from Onion’s horoscope of the week

Libra September 23 - October 23

They say that time heals all wounds. Try to keep that in mind as you lie clutching your midsection in that abandoned warehouse this week.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

While you’ve often wondered what it’d be like to attend your own funeral, claw marks on the inside of your coffin will soon reveal it to be a rather terrifying experience.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

You will learn the true meaning of friendship this week when a coworker surprises you with a copy of Webster’s Dictionary for your birthday.

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And here’s an informative study by The Onion on animal behaviors :

Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

Those mentally unstable bastards at the ONION have posted another funny/disturbing video. Watch it once for the video content. Then a second time, just read the ticker news that appears on the bottom of the screen.

Panda Demands Abortion

Setting a new standard for news reporting, The Onion News Network was launched today. After watching the following clip, I can tell you it won’t be the last one I watch from them. Enjoy.
Immigration: The Human Cost

Couple of lines I heard on Aqua Teen Hunger Force :

Idle hands spend time at the genitals

I’m going away for a while meatwad. And I may never come back. But I’ll always be right here. Inside.

The Onion Horoscopes for this week (my favorites in bold) :

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your wildest dreams will come true this week, only further proving that you deserved the chartered accountancy promotion.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
Spurred on by feelings of pressure and pain, you’ll follow your heart about two-thirds of the way to the living room phone this week.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
A series of mob-related events will soon have dockworkers around the world referring to you as a barrel of laughs.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your entire life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Fighting back the tears and suppressing wave after wave of indignation, you’ll take next Tuesday’s hysterectomy operation like a man.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
While you’ve always claimed to work better under strict deadlines, hundreds of radiation victims will soon have reason to disagree.

Libra September 23 - October 23
You’ll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you’ll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Just when you think you can’t keep going any longer, you’ll be forced to continue due to a series of everyday responsibilities and obligations.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you’re made of.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Sometimes in life one must take the good with the bad, even if it means pretending to be attracted to her mother.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
They say that you’re not the man you used to be, that you’ve got nothing left inside of you worth saving. However, it’s the fact that they’re licensed surgeons that really makes it sting.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.