greasy taint

Not quite what you expected when you read the title eh? You FOCKING PERV!

So here’s the setup. The girlfriend of a fellow is being setup to be dumped. The fellow had actually purchased an engagement ring and had planned to propose to her very soon. But about a week before this dumping the fellow found out from one of her coworkers that she had gone down on her boss during the office christmas party. So he had decided that he was not going through with the proposal anymore, but wanted an interesting way of dumping her. And so he called the local radio station, and here is what happened….

(NOTE, the click below might take you to another page)

Anyways, the audio of this made me happy, cause the bitch got what she deserved, but also kinda sad cause I think it really hurt, after her hopes were raised.

I originally found this story on Dr. Peter Rost’s page

fuck you for removing a ton of the funny comedy central clips from youtube
fuck you for not being reasonable
fuck you for being greedy
fuck you for not realizing this has hurt your image in the eyes of a lot of people
fuck you for continuing the “big media” stereotypes along
fuck you for now making me wonder how I’m going to update my blog with all the broken youtube videos on it
fuck you for giving me diarrhea
fuck you for making my asshole bleed
fuck you for the dry weather that’s causing me to have lots of boogers

I’m not sure if they had any control over the last 3, but I bet even if they did, they wouldn’t have done the right thing. So I say to you viacom and youtube

Fuck you Jobu, I do it myself!

SUFI MOTHER FUCKER!

If you don’t know what I’m rambling about, read here.

strange combination? Yes. First of, I heard JD from Scrubs say something like “There’ll be banana hammocks everywhere” after he had a day dream about buff male dancers dancing all over his apartment wearing speedos. So naturally I had to got to best source for most reliable knowledge, Urban Dictionary, and look it up. Atleast one person there defines banana hammock as :

A men’s style of undergarment that holds the genitalia in a sling-like hammock apparatus, allowing the meat knot to protrude offensively. Favored by greasy Europeans at the beach, and even greasier weightlifters during competition and posedown sessions.

And now onto the jim carrey part of the post. It’s nothing much. I was just doing a random search for myself online. Which is usually a good thing to do time to time. I came across this article. It’s an article in Entertainment Weekly from April 1996 that talks about all the web sites about Jim Carrey found online. Of course back in 1996 there was like 20 websites. And mine was one of them. And I was/am a huge Jim Carrey fan. So naturally I had a couple of pages dedicated to him. So anyways, Entertainment Weekly decided to talk about how retarded these websites are. And they said the following (the relevant part is in bold) :

If you’re beginning to think Carrey’s omnipresent on the Net, wait, because we haven’t even gotten to some of the sssmokin’ websites. Check out Peter Robinson’s Temple of Jim Carrey (http:// pages.prodigy.com/jcarrey), Randy Brown’s Jim Carrey Web Page (http:// www.halcyon.com/browner), and the page authored by 12-year-old Elijah Petroff (http://www.inforamp.net/~petroff), which includes the production script of Batman Forever and Carrey’s E-mail address. Want to see how deep a major studio can sink in an attempt to pander to the lowest common denominator? Then check out Warner Bros.’ official Ace Ventura site (http://pathfinder.com/@@tuza- 5yifkgeaqmis/wb/ace), which offers a ”butt-talking” contest and an official ”Ace’s Operatives certificate, suitable for framing or wrapping fish.” And wouldn’t you know, the certificate shows up on an unofficial Jim Carrey page (http://www-csif.cs.ucdavis. edu/~malaowal/jim.html), in which one Arash Malaowala boasts that he’s seen the original Ace Ventura ”30 to 40 times.” But the prize for the most IQ-challenged site has to go to the Official Unofficial Jim Carrey Site! (http://deathstar.rutgers. edu/people/green/agreen.html). Thanks to the author’s imperfect knowledge of Web-page construction, most of this slow-loading page’s links refer right back to the site itself — so you can spend hours viewing the same pictures over and over. Talk about dumb and dumber.

Nice eh? Any publicity is good publicity right? And I would have never known about this, but one of my college friends pointed it out. And I was so excited I bought a couple of issues to save. And that’s my 15 minutes of fame. Tada!

This morning while driving to work I was eating a banana I had purchased a couple of days ago (The purchasing of the banana is not relevant to this story, but I just wanted to point out that I’m not a dirty filthy theif). It was quite yummy and I didn’t even find any large brown spots. Good banana. So anyways, about 10 minutes later I was waiting at a red light. And I decided to use the free moment to sin and admire my glorious face for a moment in the mirror. And I notice a piece of banana on my cheek. It was quite high on my cheek too. No where close to my mouth.

How the fuck does that happen? I know I’m not the only one this happens to. Cause I’ve seen it on other people’s faces. There’s one particular person I remember from my college days who used to routinely have food stuck at random places on his face. Rice next to the eye brow. Or some sauce by his nose.

I guess even if we never understand how that happens, it’s good for a few laughs. Next time you see me with food stuck on my face, make sure you point and laugh for several minutes before telling me about it. Or do what my brother would do. Put a piece of food on your face and talk to me till I realize that you are trying to send me a message.

I was in the bathroom today at work firing one out (which by the way is not normal). See this post for more on why.

So there I am, doing the deed and I decided to pass the time by reading theonion.com on my new Helio (don’t call it a phone bitch!). For those of you that are not familiar with theonion.com, WTF is wrong with you. Anyways, check it out please. So I come across the December 2006 horoscopes. And then the problems begin.

Let me set the scene, its right after lunch and all the stalls are full of shitters. And there is a regular stream of pissers in and out of the bathroom at the urinals. Now here I am squeezing out turds, and reading the horoscopes and laughing my ass off. This causes 2 problems. One, the people at work might recognize my laugh and wonder why I am in a stall laughing out loud. Two, its hard to control your sphincter muscle when you are laughing. So while normally I wouldn’t blast gas out of my ass at will, if I’m laughing, that is exactly what happens. So now the other people hear laughing and loud farting and splashing noises in the toilet. And I’m starting to sweat cause I’m laughing so hard.

What was so funny? Here are some of the funny ones from the December 2006 horoscopes …

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Taurus April 20 - May 20
After years of wandering purposefully through life, a chance encounter this April will at last restore your faith in mere coincidences.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
As upset as you’ll be over breaking your New Year’s resolution, it will ultimately pale in comparison to how friends and family members of your victims will feel.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
2007 might finally be the year when you take your life into your own hands and begin doing something proactive about your future. Keep checking back here to see if that’s indeed the case.

Leo July 23 - August 22
July will see the arrival of an entirely new member of the family thanks to the ruthless progression of your great aunt’s Alzheimer’s disease.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The next six months will be a time of great inner growth for you—but then any certified oncologist could have told you that.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
This year will mark the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, so there’s really little point in speculating what it will hold for you.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Travel will be at the top of your list in 2007, as you desperately bounce from one heart specialist to the next in hopes of some sort of treatment.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Marriage will feature prominently in your life during the first half of 2007, while hope and an opportune flight of stairs will feature prominently in your life during the second half.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The New Year will start out with a bang for you. Unfortunately, it will also end with a bang for you.

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And here’s are 2 gems from the October 2006 horoscope I ran across :

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You’re nervous, your palms are sweaty, and your stomach is full of knots, but don’t worry: Chances are she’s feeling the exact same first-date-rape jitters as you.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though you will mean to tell a group of friends about the appetizing sirloin steak you had for lunch, a Freudian slip this week will instead reveal how you tortured those four underage women in an old abandoned shack by the highway.

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Yeah I’m a huge racist bastard. But I’m laughing all the way to my huge racist bastard of a bank, with my piles of racist money that I made by being a huge racist bastard.

I know a few people who would have loved this for christmas

This is too good. Thank you Jon Stewart for being the man that takes a horribly fucked up situation and the bumbling idiot of a president we have, and turning it into laughs that inevitably lead to uncontrollable flatulence. And a tiny bit of blood in my undies thanks to that super spicy burrito that Chipotle served me yesterday.