greasy taint

I know a few people who would have loved this for christmas

This is too good. Thank you Jon Stewart for being the man that takes a horribly fucked up situation and the bumbling idiot of a president we have, and turning it into laughs that inevitably lead to uncontrollable flatulence. And a tiny bit of blood in my undies thanks to that super spicy burrito that Chipotle served me yesterday.

I was browsing wwtdd.com and I came across this gem of a video where Mr. Donald “big balls” Trump just rips on Rosie “Can I have the last slice” O’Donnell.

After watching this I have just gained a little bit more respect for that snobby toupe wearing fuckhead. I’m talking about Donald, not Rosie.

So yesterday after many frustrating days/weeks/months of poor service from Cingular, I decided to say “fuck you very much” to them and switch to someone else. And in order to hold on to what little youth I have left I decided to be adventurous and try one of the smaller MVNO type companies. These are small specialized (read : more expensive) companies that cater to specific demographics. The one I went with is Helio. Yes, the people who like to say “Don’t call it a phone”.

Helio uses Sprint’s CDMA network, which I had used years ago. I didn’t really have a problem with their network at the time, but it was more the way their services were setup. Voicemail, SMS and MMS were a mess. But things have been cleaned up and fixed since then. And plus they have a nice fast EV-DO data network. Why do I need a fast EV-DOO-DOO network you say? Well I don’t. But it’s nice to have if you like to tinker around on your phone, like I do. I use my phone for address, phone number, movie listings, checking email, checking weather, checking random news etc. BUT, now with Helio, and my new Samsung Drift (Samsung SPH-A503) phone, I can use Google Maps just like I do on the computer. Why? Because the phone has GPS built in. So I can pull up the google maps app, and it can locate my current position and I can get directions to any other address. It’s actually very impressive how fast it is. So now I have my own border-line retarded GPS navigation device.

Plus the phone is slick.

Here are my current gripes with my new service/phone :

1) Up until late last night I was not able to receive text messages (SMS). But that seemed to get resolved “somehow”. So that’s no longer a concern.
2) Picture messages (MMS) don’t seen to be getting to my phone. I seem to be able to send them out, but cannot receive them
3) This is suppose to be a multi-media device that supports music and video play back. But I can’t get the freaking Helio Media Mover software from working. It crashes everytime I connect my phone to the computer. So I’ve been unable to get any music on there. Although some of the ring tones on this phone are better than the gay ones we normally get by default.
4) One part of the phone’s design that sucks is the location of the back button. It’s a small button directly under the down part of the directional buttons. So a lot of times when I try to push down, I end up pushing back. And that fucks shit up. I wouldn’t even consider my fingers fat, so they obviously didn’t think enough about it. Come to think of it, since one of the partner’s in the Helio project is SK Telecom, a south korean telecom company, most of the phone on the network will be from Korean companies. So they are naturally designed for the korean market, where I guess fingers could be smaller and thinner.
5) The phone doesn’t feel too solid when it’s open. Its a slider phone so it doesn’t stay too balanced. This is probably something I’ll get used to and figure out over time.
6) Its a little pricey. $65 for 500 anytime minutes.

Ok, now for the happy portions :

1) The phone is nicely layed out and navigation is easy (except for that back button problem). Samsung is usually good at this. I have look at some motorola phones, and WHOA, what a fucking mess in the navigation menus. It’s as if a bunch of idiots with no clue about User Interfaces threw that shit together. Personally the best navigation experience I ever had on a phone was a Sanyo. Those japanese certainly know what they’re doing. <japanese_accent>Ho, thank you very much.</japanese_accent>
2) I like the PC Link software that works with the phone. Instead of having to painstakingly enter all of my contacts’ names and numbers into the phone, I was able to enter it all into the software on my computer and easily sync it over. Worked flawlessly. <japanese_accent>Ho, thank you very much.</japanese_accent>
3) It has a 2 megapixel camera on it. My first digital camera, a Canon SD330 (I think), was a 2 megapixel camera. Scary. Not sure if need such high resolution on a cellphone, but I have it. And it does videos too. Haven’t figured that part out yet though.
4) Buddy Beacon : It’s an application that allows me to locate on a map where my buddies are. But unfortunately these buddies also need to be Helio users. And thats a big catch. Most of my friends are on Cingular, T-Mobile, Verizon and Sprint. So I might need to make new Helio buddies. Maybe if I hang out at Tilly’s in the mall I might meet some.
5) Google Maps integration as previously mentioned
6) Instant messaging software for Yahoo, AIM, and MSN that actually works.
7) Not sure if this is a selling point for me, but they have some myspace access from the phone. I haven’t tried it yet, but heard it’s cool. Neat gimmick, and great marketing.
8) Unlimited data usage. Since the $65 is an all-in-one plan, I get unlimited sms, mms, browsing, google mapping, buddy beaconing, myspace browsing, news and email reading fun.
9) The initial price was a good deal. The phone I got retails for $225. But at the grand opening of the Helio store on the Santa Monica Promenade, they were having discounts. So I ended up paying $56 including tax for the phone. And it came with a charger, usb data cable, free software for connecting to the phone and a stereo headset. Cool eh?

And here’s the same commercial with some different sounds that someone decided to record in… enjoy … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIgPA8SA6uQ

Weird Al is a freaking genius!

“I would rather jam an icepick repeatedly into both of my ears than endure listening to this steaming pile of horse feces again”

“So if you get custody, how will you be raising them? Will you be teaching them to inseminate and freeload the Federline way?”

“Are you concerned about the fact that you are headed straight toward oblivion?”

I figured I’d follow up a post about ass, with a post about tits. Cause thats my food pyramid right there. T&A baby! haha Yeah!

Actually no. Today I wish to say a little something about Hooters the restaurant. Yes, I’ve been there a few times. And believe it or not, it’s usually someone else’s idea, never mine. And in all those experiences, one thing is always consistent. The Food SUCKS! I don’t know why I always forget that, and expect it to be decent. Their wings are GROSSLY over hyped. I’ve tried the whole range, mild, medium, hot, 3 mile island, and 911. And yes they can be somewhat spicy, but still don’t taste that good. I think I’ve had better wings from the freezer section at costco.

Anyways, even aside from wings, the rest of their food is mediocre at best. If you have eaten something there and thought it was good, please let me know. Cause I’ve tried atleast 4-5 different items from their menu, and each time been mostly disappointed.

Why am I bitchin about this today? Well I was there today at lunch with a couple of coworkers. And I tried the BBQ sandwich, which turned out to give me a stomach ache about 2 hours later, and forced me to take a shit at work. Luckily it was in the bathroom. But still. First of all I like taking dumps with home field advantage. And secondly I hate messing around with those paper ass gaskets. And if you stay on too long, they stick to you when you try to get up. And who knows what’s hanging off the edges.

Also when I’m using a public toilet, the thought of my genitalia accidently touching the toilet, makes me shudder. You ladies don’t have to worry about that, cause you don’t have a thick foot long apendage to carry around and keep track of. I am of course talking about my conjoined twin, Joe ‘Mental’ Mentaliano, who is connected to me at my taint.

Ok, enough about that. Back to Hooters. I know what you are thinking. “But what about the hooter’s bitches, arash”. Yes, this is true. There is some caveman-like appeal to going there. Sometimes the ladies working there are pretty and hot. With their boobies just aching to flop out of their shirts. And they put their name pins on their plentiful breasts and point at it when they introduce themselves to make you look there.

Sometimes I actually feel sorry for them. If they were strippers, and they’re almost naked, atleast it’s just part of the job. And strippers probably get paid more. But at hooters their suppose to be food servers, and still have to dress like sluts. Chances are what Peter Griffin says about hookers is probably also true about strippers and Hooter’s girls, “They’re already dead on the inside“.